


tell me when you hear my heart stop, you’re the only one that knows

by orphan_account



Series: one shots and drabbles [12]
Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: Crying, F/F, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Lesbian AU, idk this is sad but sweet, tw depression, tw suicidal ideation(kinda)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-24
Updated: 2019-11-24
Packaged: 2021-02-25 20:53:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,146
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21538354
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Brooke’s sad and Vanessa just loves her.Title from “possibility” by lykke li
Relationships: Brooke Lynn Hytes/Vanessa Vanjie Mateo
Series: one shots and drabbles [12]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1432162
Comments: 8
Kudos: 25





	tell me when you hear my heart stop, you’re the only one that knows

**Author's Note:**

> This isn’t anything revolutionary, I’m just sad and it’s therapeutic to write a character going through things you’re going through and being treated in a way you wish to be treated, ya feel? 
> 
> Disclaimer: I am not an expert on mental illness and this obviously isn’t how everyone deals with depression, the way I wrote it is just familiar to me. Depression can look very different for everyone and this is purely a work of fiction.Also, if talk of depression and slight suicidal ideation triggers you, please take care of yourself and don’t read!

Vanessa frowns when she rolls over in bed and finds the other side of the bed to be devoid of a certain blonde who was there when she went to sleep. As if her brain was on autopilot she swings her legs over the edge and pads to the bathroom, where warm light seeps from underneath the door. 

She knocks softly on the door, “Brooke, baby, are you in there?”

“Yeah,” comes a soft, barely audible voice from the other side of the door. 

Vanessa slowly pushes the door open and the sight before her breaks her heart. Brooke’s sat on the floor, hugging her knees to her chest, with eyes red and puffy from crying. She sinks to her knees in front of the blonde and lifts her chin with two fingers, then presses a kiss to her lips that are salty from her tears.

“Hi, baby,” Vanessa whispers when they pull apart. 

Brooke’s reply is so quiet it could barely be considered a whisper, “hi,” she says back. Vanessa settles next to Brooke, pulling her into her arms.

“What’s the matter? Hmm? Why are you sitting in the bathroom?”

“Didn’t wanna wake you with my crying,” she says plainly, her eyes fixed on the shower curtain in front of her. 

“Why are you crying in the first place?” Vanessa asks, her voice soft and sweet, the tone of voice only Brooke can draw out of her. 

“That’s the thing,” Brooke says, her eyes welling up once more, “I don’t even know. I’m just sad and it hurts.”

Brooke’s crying soon turns to gut wrenching sobs that wrack her body, leaving Vanessa scrambling to pick up the pieces. 

“Shhh, shhh, angel, you’re okay,” she soothes, gently rubbing the other girl’s back. 

Brooke’s hands find themselves gripping Vanessa’s pajama shirt for dear life, as though if she were to let go Vanessa would vanish at her fingertips.

“I don’t wanna be here anymore, Vanessa,” she says through sobs. 

Vanessa stops dead in her tracks, her heart hammering in her chest. She knew her wife battled with depression every day of her life, and this wasn’t the first time she’d seen Brooke cry like this, but never has she ever said anything about wanting to die. The thought makes Vanessa’s chest feel like someone’s punched a hole right through it. 

“Brooke, what do you mean?”

“I’m sorry, Ness, I just-I can’t.”

Vanessa can barely decipher her words as she cries into her shoulder, but the loud sobs that leave her wife’s body tell her enough. 

“No, no; please don’t say that, baby, please. I need you. I need you so much, I don’t know what I would do without you. You’re everything to me,” Vanessa pleads, through tears of her own. 

“I’m so sorry,” Brooke whispers. Vanessa pulls her in between her legs and wraps her arms around the still trembling girl. She holds her tightly as she rocks her back and forth, gently hushing her until the sobs stop and the only sounds coming from Brooke are soft whimpers and sniffles. 

“Brooke, I want you to look at me, please.”

Brooke lifts her head and her tearful eyes meet Vanessa’s. Vanessa’s heart breaks as she looks into her eyes and sees the worlds of hurt and sadness she holds in them. She takes Brooke’s face in her hands and strokes her jawline lovingly. 

“Do you need me to call anyone? Maybe your therapist?”

“No,” Brooke whispers, averting her gaze from Vanessa’s.

“Are you sure, Brooke? You just said you don’t wanna be here anymore.”

More tears find themselves spilling over onto Vanessa’s cheeks, her chest aching thinking of Brooke’s confession.

“I just- I just want to disappear. I’m tired of not being good enough and I’m tired of putting you through this just because I can’t be happy. I’m not gonna do anything stupid, I just wish I could cease to exist, I guess.”

“Why didn’t you tell me you felt that way?”

She shrugs, “I just don’t want to be a burden.”

“You will never be a burden to me. Not ever. Brooke Lynn, you are the most important person to me. You know I’m not too good with words but fuck, if I have to carry around a dictionary just to find the words to tell you how much you mean to me, I will, no questions asked. And if I have to convince you every single day for the rest of my life that you are good enough, I will. Actually, no, you’re not just good enough, Brooke, you’re wonderful. You’re kind, and passionate, and so fucking talented. You deserve every good thing that you have, and so much more.”

A small smile slowly shows itself on Brooke’s lips, making Vanessa light up with a megawatt smile of her own.

“You know for someone who’s apparently not too good with words, that was pretty good.”

Vanessa throws her head back in laughter, not so much at the little joke at her expense, but in relief that at least a little piece of her wife is still there.

“I’d memorize the dictionary front and back if that meant you would know how much I love you,” Vanessa says sincerely, her eyes shining with adoration. Brooke nuzzles her head into the crook of Vanessa’s neck, placing a kiss right below her ear.

“I love you,” she whispers.

“I love you too. And we’re going to get through this. I’m not going to call your therapist tonight, but I want you to call her tomorrow and see if she can see you sooner.”

“I don’t know, Ness.”

“Why not? I thought you liked seeing her.”

“I do, it’s just- I’ve been doing so well,”

Vanessa smiles and nods her head in agreement, “I just don’t want her to think I’m back at square one,” she softly says, her eyes avoiding Vanessa’s yet again. 

“Sweetheart, you are not back at square one. I remember a time when you would lock the door and shut me out when you were upset and now you're letting your guard down and letting me in. It’s ok to feel depressed, it doesn’t mean you’ve all of a sudden lost all the amazing progress you’ve made. I’m so proud of you for being honest with me, Brooke, and we are gonna get through this, I promise.”

Brooke looks at her through shiny eyes, but this time they’re tears of gratefulness. Grateful that Vanessa had yet again swooped in and pulled her out of the dark cavern she was burying herself in.

“Together?” Brooke murmurs.

Vanessa kisses her temple, “together. I pinky promise,” she confirms, extending her outstretched pinky, which Brooke links with her own. 

Maybe Brooke Lynn was far from ok, but she had Vanessa who would be there every step of the way, cheering her on and that’s all she needed. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading💓  
Feedback is always appreciated!  
Find me on tumblr @/honeyhytes


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